Thinking About It and The Post Office

Thinking About It

12-19-2010

I’ve been thinking about this life.

It feels as though I’m stagnant.

Though life continues on around me,

I feel alone,

stuck in this holding position,

Until something happens.

Am I a conduit,

For the chaos that swirls around me?

Or, a conduit,

For the life that swirls around it?

I try to be the nicest person I can be,

Some see me wrestling with that,

With the chaos inside me.

Some would call it personal demons,

Some would call it drama,

Some would call it regrets.

I call it,

Self.

I’m just me.

Not above reproach,

Not above mistakes,

Not above regret,

Nor Forgiveness.

I’m ready for it to happen,

It will happen soon,

I can feel it.

Yea,

I’ve been thinking about this life,

I’ve been thinking about it.

*****

So, I was at the post office the other day, and being the person I am, found an opportunity to both make someone smile and have some fun.

The clerk called me up to his freshly opened station, with a pile of pink blank address labels on the side of the counter.

He shoots a glance at them, then asks his co-worker next to him, "What are these?" (someone had obviously put them there and he was wondering why)

The co-worker says, "I don't know."

The clerk looked at me, and I pointed at them and said, "Those are pink address labels.", and then chuckled.

The co-worker started laughing and the guy shot poison at both of us, then looked back at me and said snidely, "Thanks."

I continued to chuckle, and we finished the transaction.

Now, I understand that I made the guy feel dumb. But, when presented with an opportunity to help someone laugh, I try not to lose it. Perhaps next time, that clerk will think about what he's asking, instead of giving me an opportunity. (HAHAHAHAHA!)

*****

Thought for the day:

:The art of life lies in a constant readjustment to our surroundings."
-- Okakura Kakuzo

To Become Whole

TO BECOME WHOLE

5-16-10

When someone enters my life,
with such resounding wonder,
I take note immediately.
I question why they're there,
Why I'm there,
Surely there must to be a reason.
Is it to fill part of the void,
That has been there,
For so long now?
Or to be the one,
To fill part of the others?
Perhaps,
It's to share the void,
So that both can start,
To become whole again.
It's hard not for them to become,
My desire,
My thought filled everything.
I just must remember,
It's not all about me.
Patience is with me,
Though it may become,
The hardest thing,
I've ever had to do.
I'm a man waiting,
To share myself,
So that we may become whole.


******

Quote for the day:

"Peace is like a drug, for which I strive to immerse myself in constantly." - - - me.

Poetry on Monday! 4-26-10

“THE END OF THE LINE”
(4-26-2010)


Sometimes you meet people,
Who seem to be your reward,
At what you think and hope,
May be the end of a period in your life,
When you’ve struggled so hard,
Just to survive.
The mental fortitude it takes,
To continue on,
Can build walls,
That are so hard to tear down,
To let people in.
You don’t know what’s in store for you,
That’s a high in itself,
And Simultaneously,
A fear of strickening proportions,
That can seek to destroy that reward.
I suppose it’s a balancing act,
With you on the platform ,
On one end of the tight rope,
Your reward of friendship on the other.
Take a deep breath,
Be at peace,
And step off into your fears.
Your reward awaits,
Not at the end of the line,
But the beginning.

*****
Quote for the day:

You cannot live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you. -- John Wooden

Dumb Revisited

Over at my buddy Mikes house the other day, we sat around smoking a stog and reminiscing about stupid things we've done over the years. Well, it's confession day and here are some you may not have known about. By the way, no one else needs to confess my stupidity, lol, mums the word unless I talk about it first!

1. We were racing home from work back in the mid 80's, he in his plymouth, and me in the pop's 72' cadillac. Going over 100 mph on highway 99 towards Atwater. after I passed him at about 110, my right front tire blew. SECONDS of terror ensued. LOL. Mike rounded the bend and went through a large cloud of smoke and thought I had crashed. Luckily I had just coasted to the side of the road where he stopped and gave me a ride home. Yea, we tied in the race.

2. We used to get into the drive-in in merced near where the old Farmer's insurance building was when we were working at the theaters back in the 80's (same time frame as #1). We'd get our friends in. All they had to do was pay the fee of a six pack of beer each to the cashier. After a night of drinking at their, we'd grab a bottle of tequila and bottle of orange juice and make our way to the coast to watch the sun rise in Santa Cruz or Carmel or Monterey.

3. In 8th grade or some time close to that, I clearly remember peeing on an electric fence somewhere in Winton. Yea, it left a mark.

4. I remember one night when I was very young, I was in my pj's sitting on the couch watching a mesmerizing television show. When my pop told me to go to bed, I turned to him and stuck my tongue out at him. He jumped the coffee table, grabbed me by the arm and flung me over the coffee table into a heap onto the ground. Of course, I went bed. Whimpering. Never stuck my tongue out at him or my mom again.

5. The old separating finger trick was shown to me by some older kid at St Mary's School in North Carolina back between kindergarten and 2nd grade. I was totally amazed! lol, I should show that kid the rubber band trick!


Anyways, there are others, that I may share at a later date, that were way more stupid and some even kind of funny. I have some appliances to move here shortly.
Reminisce today! Remember how dumb you used to be. It's a HOOT! lol

*****

Quote for the day:

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"

The Daily Fray

I enjoy watching "Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew".
It's an emotional show that reminds me of my daily battle with my addiction of alcohol.
After watching the last show of the season today, I was glad to see that it has a continuation of watching these people struggle with their addiction (Sober House with Dr Drew).
It's interesting to be reminded, that people, no matter how famous, or how rich they are, are still just people struggling to survive and overcome their own self destructive decisions.
I've thought a lot lately about why I stay sober. Discussing it with my friends helps out alot actually.
Foremost, I stay sober for myself. One of the reasons for that is that I can be quite stubborn at times. I'm stubborn in that if I take a drink today, that erases all of those days prior to this day ( if I drink), that I've been sober. I really don't want to start over on day one again. I've started over in so many regards in my life in the last ten years. I look back and realize all the things I've lost and done because of alcohol. Starting over in that regard could make me have to start over in so many other things. It's just not an option for me. That reminder helps me to say no to the urge every day.

It really is true that you can't help someone who doesn't want it. We addicts will make many excuses to continue our addictions. It only takes one really good one to make someone stop, if only for a while to reflect upon what they're doing to themselves and those around them. I wish I could have helped my pop to see that. He was so proud of me and my sobriety. He told me that alot, even while holding a beer in his hands. I don't think he had the strength to stop drinking after losing his wife and his brother within such a short time. It surely took its toll on him.

I have other periphery reasons for my sobriety, but I see it as a selfish thing that I have to do for me. (I chuckle as I write this) One of those reasons is just something as simple as distraction. I give myself something to do other than drink. School has been GREEEEAAAAT for that! It gives me so much more to think about than going down to the liquor store and buying my favorite bottle of Scotch.
I'm reminded of a 5 for fighting song, (that band you hear playing right now). Somebody save me.
I think addicts ultimately have to save themselves. Some, need to be reminded of why they need to become sober and can say those reminding them have saved them. I say those people that have become sober from an addiction, "Give yourself some credit!" You (and I) have reached a point where our resolve and strength and courage have transformed us into someone that we scarce remember... ourselves. To be myself. THAT is the true reason for my sobriety.
Let the Daily Fray Continue!



*****
Quote for the day:

"If there's anything unsettling to the stomach, it's watching actors on television talk about their personal lives." -- Marlon Brando

Use enough Dynamite there Butch?

Sometimes, I just have to share some music.
I was humming this song to myself today for some reason.
Joni was thinking it was Chim Chiminey, so I had to hear it all.
Such a great movie! (Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid)
I remember watching it with my folks.
Perhaps it was this movie that my Pop created his famous line, "Oh look, he fell off of his horsey!".
It's funny the things we remember.
God Love him.
Mom's Shrumps and saying "jess" for yes.
Yea, I miss them.
Still hits me occasionally, the mourning.
Don't know if it will ever end, or if I care that it doesn't.
All I know is, there love was complete.
I hope it comes to me one day and that I'm not asleep at the helm when it does.
Until such a time, I'll use a enough dynamite to keep me moving along in the right direction.
Dubah dubah dubah daaaaaah daaaaa dubbadaaaaaaah (sing it!)

*****

Quote for the day:

"You can't turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again." -- Bonnie Prudden

Poetry at Midnight!

A Haiku:

Middle of the Night,
I've Lost who I used to be,
Someone send a Map!


lol, that was interesting.
It's fun to just write and see what comes out sometimes.

*****

Quote for the day:

"The main dangers in this life are the people who want to change everything - or nothing." -- Nancy Astor

Let the Fresh Cream Begin!

A new year is upon us!
Did everyone resolve to do something with their life?

I promised myself, that I'd complete the edit and re-write of my book, and then try to get it published. That would be exciting!! I really want to finish it, so that I can get another book out of my head that's been nagging me to get out.
Of course, I made the usual promise to get into shape, eat right, blah, blah, blah.

A friend of mine sent me a recipe for Creme Fraiche (I guess that means 'fresh cream' in french, which is funny because its not fresh cream, it's basically soured cream) and it turned out really good!
It's such a simple recipe and a delicious alternative to store bought sour cream.

All you need is 1 cup of heavy whipping cream, and 2 tablespoons of cultured buttermilk.
Pour the cream into a clean glass jar (use the dishwasher to sterilize it).
Pop it in the microwave and heat it only enough to take the chill off. maybe 30 seconds.
You don't want it hot, as it will kill the buttermilk cultures.
After you've warmed the cream to about room temperature, pour in the buttermilk.
Cover it and set it in a warm place for about 12 hours (or up to 24 hours).
It will thicken up as it sits there. Don't worry about it, it's safe! The cultures in the buttermilk will protect it. Stir it up about every 6 hours or so as it sits out at room temperature.
After it has mostly thickened, pop it into the refrigerator for another 12 hours or so.
VOILA! You've got creme fraiche! Use it in anything you would normally use sour cream. It's a healthier, lighter, tastier alternative! Thicken sauces with it. Whip it and top some fresh fruit! It supposedly doesn't break or curdle when you add it to sauces. Haven't tried it yet, except on some spanish rice (yes, it was delicious), but I will!
It's good for up to ten days in the refrigerator, but I doubt it'll last that long once you've tried it.

My British friend tells me I should bottle it and sell it, because you can't find the stuff around here. I say, make it yer effin self! lol

What else is going on.... hmmm.
Oh, School starts soon! That'll be nice to be able to concentrate on things a little better this semester. I was pretty distracted last semester (which sucked big time) and got a 'B' in one of my classes. (GASP!)
Actually, I was pretty disappointed in myself for that. I shall endeavor not to let that happen again. At least I got A's in the other two classes, so I'm happy with that as I'm trying to bring my GPA up. We shall see my friends!

I've decided that I'm tired of alot of things. Physically tired. Sleep deprivation and the events of the past few years have taken their toll on me. It's definitely not easy to watch your parents die. The stress of being in the house while trying to clean it to prepare it for things just didn't give me time to grieve appropriately. Now that I have the time to do so, a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. But, I can't just stop and smell the nectar and do nothing. Life just isn't letting me. Which is fine I guess. At least I have my sobriety, an accomplishment that I hardly think about, but I should. If only to remind me that I can do things and to keep moving forward.
Little steps will lead to bigger ones. I'll be running before I know it. I better get some new shoes.


*****

Quote for the day:

"When there's snow on the ground, I like to pretend I'm walking on clouds." -- Takayuki Ikkaku, Arisa Hosaka and Toshihiro Kawabata, Animal Crossing: Wild World, 2005